Thursday, March 11, 2010

my issues

So I have been kind of down on things the past couple of days and haven't felt like writing anything.  But it's been killing me that I'm not being very honest.

There's a couple of things that really have me bothered right now and I honestly don't know what to do about them.

First there's our location.
I lived in Dallas with practically my whole extended family for 25 years (I'm only 26).  I lived for 21 years one street away from my maternal grandparents, two streets away from my paternal grandparents and had two aunts who lived on each of those same streets.  When Allen and I met 2 years ago he had just moved to Austin from Dallas and we did the long distance thing for a few months.  But I got this wild hair and decided that moving to Austin might be fun and wanted to try it out.  Allen and I discussed that it would be temporary and that we would both be going back to Dallas within 2 years max.  2 years are up and Allen has no definite plans to move back anytime soon.  He has a great job with a great organization and tons of contacts for further employment in this area.  I, on the other hand, have had one job down here that I was laid off from last year.  Also, to make it worse, I have absolutely no friends down here.  The only people I've met were the ones I worked with for 8 months (most of them were older) and friends of Allen.  I miss my family like crazy and cannot believe that someone like me, who is so incredibly close to her family, has moved even 3 hours away.  This is the hardest thing I have ever had to do and I'm getting extremely homesick.  I love Allen more than anything but the rest of my heart is in Dallas.  I just can't quite put it into words how sad I am each day that I'm away from my family and I don't know how much longer I can live this far away from them.
I was always the girl that said I would never move away from my family and here I am 3 hours away and missing them every day.

My second issue is my skin.
I'm tired of breaking out.  Seriously.  I had flawless skin in high school and early twenties.  I do not understand what has happened the past couple of years nor what I need to do to remedy this situation.  I have changed makeup, moisturizer, cleanser and have begun to change my diet.  Nothing is working.  I have yet to visit a dermatologist since I'm unemployed and low on funds but I'm thinking that's my next step.  Although I'm actually quite embarrassed to let someone see what's underneath the makeup.  I don't even know how to properly apply makeup/concealer to cover the issues up to be comfortable going out in public.  I have a hard time with feeling attractive now that I'm having this problem and I can't understand how Allen can even think I'm pretty with all these flaws.
It's a very sensitive issue for me.

My other issue is my weight.
I've pretty much always had wide hips but I've never been this overall heavy before.  I have never been into working out and  honestly don't really like to.  I know I need to get active in some way but I'm honestly very lazy.  Before I was laid off last year I went to a dr's office and had a physical done.  I found out that I have an underactive thyroid which could be a contributing factor to my weight gain but before I could get on medication, same story again, I was laid off.

Which brings me to my final issue, my unemployment.
I have been jobless for awhile now and my problem is that I have no idea what I want to do with my life.
I went to college right out of high school but I was continually having to drop my DMAT classes which in turn meant I had to drop my other classes so the cost and effort to get through a semester started to take it's toll on me.  I eventually just stopped enrolling for the next semester when I found that I could work full time and make enough money to satisfy my needs/wants.  This means that I've had plenty of different jobs, none of which have proved to be worthy of a career.  When I moved down here in 2008 it took me 3 months to find a job and then I was laid off 8 months later.  I tried to go back to school this year on the governments dime but I didn't get into the system in time and missed my opportunity for the spring semester.  So that brings me to today and how I'm still unemployed and the main financial responsibility falls on Allen, as does the bulk of the stress.  I feel bad that I'm not contributing more and that I don't have a specific plan in place to begin helping out with bills.

Overall I'm just a mess.  I hate to broadcast my insecurities but I felt that maybe writing about it would help clear my head and help me sort through these issues.
I feel like in a way I'm lost.  And I also feel extremely lonely at times.
I don't know what steps to take next.

Sorry to bring the mood down after I've been gone for a few days but I just had to get these feelings off my chest.  I'm actually heading home (to Dallas) this weekend to spend time with my family and celebrate my Dad's birthday so hopefully spending this time with them will also help with my mood/state of mind.

I hope to be back to much more fun posts soon


Vic said...

I'll be your Austin friend! :) Some of us Austin bloggers get together from time to time for happy hour.

I'm sorry you are frustrated with some parts of your life... but it sounds like getting it out and also going home for the weekend will help you clear your head & get on the right track in a positive way. As for exercise, with the pretty weather right now I would recommend going for walks to start out, you might really enjoy it!

Stephanie Hartman said...

Aw I wish I lived closer to you because we could totally be Garage sale buddies I always go by my self and it would be nice to go with someone else lol..I think you going back home to spend some time with your family will be great. As far as the work/school thing goes I'm in the same boat girl my hub leaves in 10 days for the Army and when we get stationed somewhere he told me I could go to school or get a job and I'm thinking about school but I have no clue as to what I want to do but if I get a job then I want it to be a job that I cuold transfer at because I'm sure we will have to move alot..

I hope your day gets better girlie...

Summer {Bisfor...} said...

darling girl. i feel your pain. so much so i wish i could take it away for you. i am here always.

Annie said...

Poor thing! Youa re dealing with a lot right now. I cant weigh in on the homesick part. But I know that I would be the same way. I have always lived in the same town as my faimily.
As far as weight....I joined Weight Wacters and lost 38 pounds in a year! I also met some cool gals at my meeting! It was great for me..and I still go just to maintian my weight.
And the job..I think that a lot of people are in your boat right now :(
What about volunteering in the meantime to meet some people and make you feel good?
I hope that things get better soon.

Valerie {Next to Heaven} said...

You are dealing with a heck of a lot right now! I'm within 45 minutes of my parents and in-laws, so we're fairly close. I couldn't move far, far away though because it, too, would kill me to be away from my family.

I have Hashimoto's Thyroiditis, which is a thyroid disease. Ever since I was diagnosed, I have trouble with weight gain. It just all the sudden creeps up. I completely understand. It's hard as hell to get it to go away too! Let me know if you ever need to vent on that :) I'm right there with ya!

I have a job and while I'm grateful, it's awful. They treat me like shit and tell me I'm nothing. So while I'm in a different situation, I understand.

I hope you can find some work soon and that your woes get better! {hugs}

Krystal said...

I'm a new follower, but everyone this age feels the same way, I'm 25 but I sort of just "found my place" to say the least. Have you ever tried I know that sounds like a cheesy come on line, but my friends have used it to connect in book clubs, fitness classes, etc. etc. It might make you feel less lonely ... and who knows maybe you'll meet friends AND get some fitness going on ... kill two birds with one stone! :) Good luck. The job thing -- everyone is in that boat too -- you're not alone.

Aly said...

I can relate to you on a lot of issues here! I wish we were closer...because just like your blog says "we would so be friends if we met in real life!" Hang in there sweet girl! :)

PS- I love your blog! Very cute!!

Julie (brown eyed belle) said...

Aw, sweet girl, I'm sorry you're dealing with all of this! I hope your trip home made it a little better :) Love you!

Krystal said...

I left you a little something on my *blog!*